I don’t know exactly what my first blog post was, but in terms of my spiritual journey, the post that best describes where I was at the beginning of this blog is “Lost”. This post is somewhat of a resolution to “Lost”. It’s what I’ve learned the past 2-3 years through both daily and life changing events, including loss of loved ones, moving (twice), health issues and marriage. This blog has captured my spiritual journey through these years. I am not sure what I’ll be doing in my next season. Maybe I’ll continue to add to this blog. Maybe I’ll write a book or paint or quilt. Or maybe I’ll just take time to sit each day with God. Thank you for reading.
I thought I could find You through answers,
through reading, learning and teaching,
thought and reason.
I thought I couldn’t find You until some point in the future,
After accomplishing my goals, completing some act of service, earning the respect of my fellow Christians, or once I had my health and energy back.
But I found You in people, in relationships, in a hand softly landing on my back.
In the breeze, the firefiles, the dawn and the dusk.
In the quiet, stillness, thoughts blowing away like feathers.
In gratitude and in weakness, in cries of praise and distress.
In this unconditional love burning to be poured out of me.
In confusion and pain.
In hope and joy and peace.
I found You now, present in every moment.
Present with each tick of the clock, unbound by time.
Present in each place, unbound by space or circumstance.
Present whether I am aware or not.
I did not find a solid tablet of stone, unshakeable and eternally binding.
I did not experience a voice or a vision.
Instead of answers, I found Your eyes, compassionate and captivating.
I found the miracle of every day, the blessing of each relationship and letting the lives of others affect our own.
I found a living, moving being inside me,
echoing Jesus’ words of “Follow” and “Go”.
I can’t describe where I’m going, but I can testify that your footsteps lead away from decisions motivated by fear and towards choices made in trust.
No more fear of mis-stepping.
No more thinking that I’ll never again turn away, stand still or make a choice motivated by fear.
There is only accepting my faults, my strengths and Your grace.
Only seeking Your ever present face,
As I come back to Your feet and look for Your mercy renewed each morning.